This article is for those who, like me, wonder whether it is worth allowing yourself to get angry or using rage. And also for those who see a threat in the outbursts of this disliked emotion.
Anger is dangerous, messy, unwanted, threatening, exploitative, aggressive, insensitive, unspiritual, unenlightened, competitive - these were the answers I’ve heard among the participants of the first Rage Club meeting when we were asked by the rage space-holder how society (and ourselves) perceives anger.
Anger, i.e. rage, wrath, irritation, being pissed off, etc. I feel emotions from this group in a characteristic way although they differ in intensity, they have similar... aroma, color, feeling and energy in the body.
Then the trainer, Marcin Szot, asked us if we could point out the positives of anger. And although I was surprised at first, answers quickly began to emerge. Protection, action, decisiveness, agency, saying "yes" and "no" so that they are heard, focus, communicating boundaries, fuel for change, clearly saying what I want or don't want.
Many answers. How come I never noticed this before? I looked at anger only as a fire that burns and destroys in an uncontrolled way, and not as a bonfire where I can warm myself and kindle it for others so that others feel safe around it?
School, parents, the illusion of life contained in "movies on TV" set an example, showed and still show expressing anger as a last resort, as the ultimate weapon that we reach for when something doesn't go our way. Most often to defend yourself from others. The one who gets angry... is bad. The villain, the black sheep, the dark thoughts, and above all of them there are black clouds heralding some kind of defeat. Even a superhero needs an excuse to express anger because he would be perceived as an aggressor.
Thanks to such associations, I walked around for years as if I was in a cage, an invisible prison, with no hope that one day I would feel worthy of being loved. When I wanted to ask for a raise, refuse to stay after work or ask a girl out, the nice and harmless guy program took over.
When I first consciously chose to express my anger in the space of the Rage Club, I opened the door to an inner room that I had never known before. It was a playroom, a room of unexpressed words, unexpressed needs and wishes, and above all, inner power. There I started to get familiar to deeply hidden needs of my heart.
It was the room where for the first time I could honestly tell my father that I loved him and tell my mother that I felt betrayed.
But to take this first step, I needed to overcome my shame, the fear of being ridiculous, the fear that if I yell at my exercise partner, Marcin will tell me it's too much.
None of these things happened. After all, no one silenced me, told me what was wrong with me, or told me to do something different. And at the same time, I allowed myself to speak. Bah! Screaming words that I only shouted in my head… every day.
We had a rule of “I won't hurt myself or anyone else.” I quickly realized that it's not about attacking or countering someone, but about feeling this energy within myself and giving myself the right to decide about my being.
Today, from my own life, I know that anger is neither bad nor good. It is a tool with which my "no" becomes heard and my "yes" is respected. That's why I try to use this tool with respect.
When someone offers me food, I accept, and when I feel like someone wants to take advantage of me, I say stop.
Thanks to my maturing approach to anger and working at the Rage Club, I make decisions faster and more efficiently, and in case of mistakes, I correct them immediately. I cut off the time I was previously wasting on thinking. I was able to put off the decision about my desired trip for years. I could spend an hour in the store looking for the best shampoo, dinner or garbage bags.
Yes! No! Yes! No! - I clearly tell myself what I want and am ready to change my decision a moment later. I can! I want! I'll take it! I accept! - energetically, with verve, with the belief that I have the right.
A right that results from the desire to co-create and be part of a place in this world where everyone is themselves. Where we chooses for ourselves. As a joyful self, a satisfied self. With respect for other "me/I".
The need, or even necessity, for the existence of the Rage Club results from the huge scale of repression of this emotion in a huge number of people (without distinction by gender).
I know women who start conversations with an angry tone for fear of being unheard. I know men who say they don't feel angry or are not angry people.
Suppression, explosiveness, inability to say "no" and failure to set boundaries are all about viewing anger as something negative.
I can go to therapy for years, develop myself at spiritual workshops, or meditate, but until I heal my approach to expressing anger in an adult way, I will be powerless against what blocks, attacks or weakens me.
Experiment:
Don't take my word for it. Do an experiment. The next time you suddenly get angry or see another person upset, notice what is happening.
Does a person speaking in anger know what he wants or what he doesn't want? In a burst of anger, is there energy and strength in her/his words and movements? Is the message about what she/he doesn't like clear? Write down the negative and positive aspects of the anger used.
Observe these situations whenever they come within your senses. This is a proposal for an experiment so that you can find out for yourself what possibilities lie in your anger.
Summary:
Rage Club is the safest place in which I have ever experienced anger.
It was here that I discovered that I could choose the level of energy with which I reacted to the situation. 10% to start a training, 50% to defend a camp from curious cows. And that anger is actually a superpower when used with radical responsibility, from an adult consciousness level.
I want more people to know about its existence. Because I really miss authentic relationships where we say what we want. And then we give it to each other out of sympathy, friendship or love.